Grief, Miscarriage, and Doctors

I’ve been rather MIA lately. That’s because I found out I was pregnant, and I was so excited I was afraid I would spill the beans before the second trimester.

There is a reason women wait until the second trimester. I now know why.

Blighted Ovum, it’s called. It’s a rather fancy name for a miscarriage. It actually makes up about 50% of miscarriages.  My doctor explained it as, there is no embryo.  She said there was never any baby. There was a pregnancy, everything else was there, but the baby was missing.

The thing is, after much research, that isn’t quite the case.

There was something, at first.

There was a sperm, and there was an egg, and they did join and create a yolk sack and symptoms and everything. It’s not that there wasn’t a baby, it’s just that the chromosomes didn’t work out, and what resulted couldn’t be carried to term.

This was when I realized that, next time (and trust me, there will be a next time), next time I want a pro-life doctor.

It’s not that I feel everyone needs a pro-life doctor.

It’s just that, I’m pro-life, and I need someone who shares my views.  If you are pro-choice, then you need a pro-choice doctor.  This is because when the worst happens.  When you are told that you are at the beginning stages of a miscarriage, you need someone who can comfort you.

My doctor tried.

She really did!

I know that, for her, saying it was never a baby was comforting. For her, for someone who is pro-choice, this concept is incredibly comforting.  I can see that, even in my grief.

However, that isn’t my belief system.

For me what was comforting was reading an article about blighted ovum.  The author said, “This is a loss.  You should allow yourself to grieve.”

For me this was comforting. Because for me, this was a loss.  This was devastating.  We were SO excited.  We even moved the house around, to  make room for the baby.  For me, I do need to grieve.  This wasn’t all fake. This wasn’t in my head.  My body went through real changes.  For eight weeks, I was pregnant.  Now, I’m not.  Even though I didn’t need it, I needed permission to grieve.

This is why, next time, I need to find a doctor who shares my views.  It’s not that my current doctor didn’t try.  It’s not that she is a bad person. She comforted me as best she could. She tried to make it easier.  However, when you don’t share the same views… you just don’t know what kind of comfort that person needed.

I needed to hear that I lost a baby. A real baby. I needed to hear that it is okay to feel sad.  I needed to hear that it is okay to be very upset, because I am. I am very, very upset.

My husband and I will try again.

The doctor was very encouraging. She said everything was healthy.  From my reading I have learned that this usually happens only once.  That I have NO reason not to believe that we can have a successful pregnancy.  I am hopeful.  I really am. Even while I’m in the middle of a terrible tragedy.

I’m just a little wiser now.  I really know now why people don’t tell until the second trimester. I’ve known loss… just not like this.

It won’t keep me down forever though.  I promise. I just really need my time to grieve.